


let's write a story (be in my book)

by Woahsos



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, First Kiss, Fluff, Lots of song references, M/M, Music major Ashton, also lots of book references, also slow burn??, ashton's a bit of a cynic, background muke, calum's dramatic, can you tell i can't tag, english major calum, i guess??, maybe content warning for depression??, not sure, please let me know if any content warnings need to be added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25412059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woahsos/pseuds/Woahsos
Summary: “I’ll show you that it is.” He says.Ashton’s head snaps up and he looks confused. “What?” He asks.“Let me show you that love is possible. And that romance novels can be realistic and you don’t have to think negatively about everything. Let me show you how fun love can be.” Calum’s leaning forward now because, as much as Michael would call him an idiot for it, Calum thinks it’s one of his best ideas yet. He can hear the excitement in his own voice, or maybe it’s desperation, but he’ll make it anything that will convince Ashton to go along with it.“Oh yeah?” Ashton laughs out bitterly, “How?”Calum feels a smile take over his face because it’s not an outright rejection yet. “Let’s live like we’re in a romance novel. For as long as it takes.”orAshton doesn't believe love is possible for him. Calum's determined to show him that it is.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings
Comments: 28
Kudos: 71





	let's write a story (be in my book)

In hindsight, reading a book in the campus quad was not Calum’s brightest idea. He knew well enough that he got overly-invested in almost every book he reads and usually ends up crying or laughing or exhibiting some sort of outward emotion. Normally, Michael was the only one to see him in such a vulnerable state. Today, however, it seems that anyone sitting outside the university would see his breakdown. He was constantly sniffling and wiping at his eyes to keep his tears at bay. It didn’t seem like people were paying that much attention to him; everyone was too focused on their own lives to notice the crying boy reading a book under a tree.

Or so he thought until a voice broke through the sound of the birds carried by the wind, “That’s probably one of the worst books I’ve ever read.”

Calum’s head snaps up to look at the boy standing in front of him. He’s cute, curly hair and pretty eyes, but he had also just insulted  _ The Goldfinch,  _ so it doesn’t matter how much Calum wants to stare at him for the rest of his life. At least, that’s what he tells himself.

“You’re joking.” Calum finally replies. 

The boy scoffs and shakes his head, “It’s so pretentious. It tries way too hard to be deep and make way too many philosophical points instead of just expanding on one or two.”

The more he talks, the more Calum’s jaw drops. He had started the book only three days ago and already had about 100 pages left. Michael practically had to pry the book out of Calum’s hands every night at a reasonable hour. Calum brought it with him to every class, reading it whenever there was a free moment, reading it at every meal which he knew peeved Michael a bit, but he just has to know how it ends. The writing is beautifully immersive and Calum’s been heartbroken the entire time. 

“It’s a captivating story about grief and guilt.” He argues. The boy sits down in front of him and Calum sets the book down, sensing that they may be arguing for a while. Calum hasn’t met that many people, other than himself, willing to start conversations with random strangers. Especially on a college campus. Michael would probably think it was off-putting.

Good thing Calum’s not Michael.

“Sure, it starts out that way,” The boy nods and Calum absolutely does not stare at the way his hair flops over his forehead, “But the end turns it into some high-speed action story. It just feels like two entirely different books.”

Calum can kind of see his point, but he still doesn’t entirely agree, “Because it takes place at two different points in Theo’s life. It shows his change as a person.”

The boy considers this for a moment, but must decide that it’s not a good enough argument because he continues, “Yeah, but the theme of the book just switches halfway through without ever really closing on the first one. I feel like she should’ve just written two separate stories. If you’re going to write about grief and guilt, see it through.”

“She does carry through with guilt, though!” Calum raises his voice a bit, but immediately blushes when people shoot him looks and the boy snorts a small laugh at him. He can’t help that he gets so passionate about his books, and he’s actually really enjoying this discussion with the boy. He’s meeting all of Calum’s points with his own, and they clearly come from a place of deep thought. Michael never reads the same books as Calum, and he certainly doesn’t read as much, so he doesn’t get much chance to talk about books outside of school. Calum really admires how passionate the boy feels about his own opinions and his chest feels a bit warm thinking about it. He still shoots the boy a quick glare before carrying on, “It just turns from survivors guilt to guilt about the painting and the mistakes he’s made.”

“But the whole tone of the story changes fast enough to give you whiplash. There’s no closure on any of the points.”

“Doesn’t that make it more impactful?” Calum asks. The boy looks confused, so he elaborates, “I think it’s supposed to show that sometimes we don’t get closure. Life may not just wrap everything up in a nice package before we move on to the next issue.”

The boy considers this for a moment before standing up and offering his hand to Calum. Now it’s Calum’s turn to look confused. The boy rolls his eyes and says, “Come with me.”

There’s a voice in Calum’s head telling him that it’s not really a good idea to follow random guys he just met, especially if they were just disagreeing about something. The voice sounds a lot like Michael. Normally, Calum is down for any kind of excitement or adventure, especially if it involves cute boys that intrigue Calum. However, he did promise Michael a few months ago that he would try to be a bit more sensible, so he says, “I don’t even know your name, you can’t expect me to mindlessly follow you somewhere.”

“I’m Ashton, now come on.” He shakes his hand in the air as if to remind Calum that it’s there. 

“Well I’m Calum, thanks for asking.” He responds sarcastically, but still takes Ashton’s hand anyways, his sensibility not being as strong as Michael had hoped it would be yet. Ashton leads the way, holding on to Calum’s hand the entire time. Calum can’t help but notice how warm and calloused it is, comforting him in a strange way. He tries to blame it on the fact that maybe he’s just been a little touch-starved recently, but Michael’s voice in his head reminds him that they cuddle while watching movies almost every weekend. Calum beats Michael’s voice back into silence; he’s attempting to be sensible here. He’s touch-starved, that’s it. And Ashton has nice hands.

A few minutes later, they arrive at the used bookstore on campus. Calum’s been in here a few times, but he usually ends up getting his books from the library considering he doesn’t really have a bookshelf to keep them on. He’s also a broke college student. He can’t afford to splurge on books, no matter how much he wants to.

Ashton holds the door open for him and Calum tries not to blush at that. Once he steps inside, Ashton is grabbing his hand and dragging him over to a shelf in the middle of the store, like he knows exactly where he’s going.

The store is small and warm, filled with dark wooden shelves that nearly reach the ceiling. Each shelf is filled with broken spines and yellow pages, every book containing two stories: one of the written word and one of the people who read them. Calum loves the atmosphere. It’s full without being stuffy and there were feelings of love and comfort pervading the air.

He pulls a tattered paperback that looks a bit thicker than  _ The Goldfinch _ off the shelf.

Handing the book to Calum, he explains, “If you want a well-written book about not getting a happy ending, read this.”

“Way to spoil the book.” Calum mutters as he takes it out of Ashton’s hand. It’s depressing to even look at the black and white picture on the front. The title reads  _ A Little Life _ . The man on the cover looks like he’s going through a lot of pain all at once and Calum thinks he can almost feel for him. “This guy looks like he’s going through some serious heartbreak.”

“He’s actually having an orgasm.” Ashton responds. Calum’s head whips up to look at Ashton, his eyes wide as he tries to see if Ashton’s fucking with him. But Ashton’s not even looking at him, he’s gazing down at the book in Calum’s hand with a dead serious expression. He must feel Calum’s stare, though, because he looks up and raises his eyebrows defensively. “I’m not joking. You can look it up, the photograph is literally titled ‘Orgasmic Man.’ It was taken by Peter Hujar in the 60s.”

Calum’s impressed with the obscure details Ashton seems to know about the book. He decides not to ask what it’s about, preferring to go into books mostly blind. The combination of the title and the cover are enough to draw him in, and he’s actually fairly excited to read something that he’s never heard of, after he’s finished  _ The Goldfinch _ (because, no matter what Ashton says, he thinks it’s a beautiful book dammit). He’s about to tell Ashton he’ll read it when he suddenly remembers, “I don’t have any money on me.”

“I’ll pay for it.” Ashton takes it and is walking to the front of the store before Calum can even protest. By the time he’s gotten his bearings, Ashton’s already halfway through the transaction, talking easily with the cashier like they’re friends. Calum absently realizes that the cashier is Michael’s type, pretty blues and long curly hair, tall and kind of gangly but still somewhat fit. It’d be a perfect excuse to drag Michael book shopping with him. 

It’s only once Ashton’s paid and they’ve exited the shop that Calum finally says, “You didn’t have to do that.”

“You could do with reading something good.” Ashton replies, handing over the bag. Calum scowls at that because,  _ rude _ . He reads plenty of good books all the time.

Still, he can’t stand when other people buy things for him, and he doesn’t even really know Ashton. He tells him, “Let me pay you back.”

“Don’t worry about it. Luke’s my best friend, he gives me discounts all the time.” Calum stores the cashier’s name away for when he’s talking to Michael later. Without giving Calum the chance to protest his point, Ashton says, “Give me your number so we can meet up once you’ve finished the book. It’ll be my payment.” 

Calum’s still a bit skeptical about Ashton; he’s demanding and he insulted a book that Calum loves. They’re not friends, and Michael’s voice in his head tells him that he shouldn’t give his number to people he’s not friends with or people that he’s not doing a school project with. But, Calum’s already ignored Michael’s voice multiple times today, so what’s one more? He likes talking about books.

He unlocks his phone and hands it over to Ashton, watching as he types his number in and sends a message to himself, probably so he can save Calum’s number in his own phone.

“I only want a text once you’ve finished it, nothing during it, understood?” Calum nods, though he’s still not fond of how demanding Ashton seems, like he expects everyone to do what he asks just because he asked it. Granted, Calum has been doing everything he’s asked but that’s only because he’s curious. Before he leaves, Ashton smirks and says, “I wouldn’t recommend reading that in the quad, don’t want everyone to see you cry, right?”

Calum grimaces as Ashton walks away, eventually disappearing into the crowd of students walking or skating through the streets. Who was he to say that The Goldfinch was pretentious when he acts the way he does? He debates returning the book before deciding that he was looking for something new to read anyways, and it’s just a book. Maybe he’ll love it and him and Ashton can have a really nice discussion about it. Maybe, throughout their discussion, they’ll fall in love with each other and they can laugh about Calum’s doubts in the beginning. 

When Calum expresses this train of thought to Michael, after returning to their dorm and running through the whole story, Michael tells him that he’s read too many romances and, sooner or later, his expectations are going to be crushed along with his heart. And that may be true, but Ashton’s cute and he’s smart and he likes books. Plus, there’s not very many people that Calum dislikes. He thinks there’s something to love in everybody and everything, he has ever since he was little. He’s not naive enough to think that there’s nothing bad in the world at all, but focusing on it makes Calum too upset to function. He likes to remain optimistic about things, Ashton included.

Maybe their disagreement was just a one time thing and Ashton has a great taste in books.

Ashton has an absolute shit taste in books, Calum decides as he finishes the last page of  _ A Little Life _ . He’s been sobbing in Michael’s lap for the last 100 pages or so as Michael played a video game, occasionally running his hand through Calum’s hair. Actually, Calum had been crying for the better part of the book. He doesn’t think he’s ever gotten as many hugs from Michael than he has in the past two weeks. Usually he can finish bigger books in a few days, but he’s had to frequently put the book down to take a breather, sometimes being too nervous to pick it back up. His whole chest aches from the heartbreak he’s experienced on behalf of the characters. 

Calum can’t even decide how he feels about the book because his brain is too muddled with emotions, all of them depressing. He resists the urge to curl up in his bed with the lights off for the rest of the night, knowing that he needs the comfort that Michael’s presence brings him. 

“You okay bub?” Michael asks when there’s a pause in his game and Calum’s sobs have dispelled to constant tears running down his cheeks.

“No.” He says, voice thick with his emotions, “This was 800 pages of sadness. Who gave her permission to do this?”

Michael frowns and takes the book from Calum’s trembling hands, regarding the cover and opening up to some of the reviews inside. “What’s it about?” He asks.

“Sadness.” Calum mutters. Michael just snorts a little and continues running his hand through Calum’s hair as he waits for the next round to start up. Calum decides he can figure out his opinions on the book tomorrow, once his head is a bit clearer. For now, he listens to the sound of Michael’s controller and his talking to people through his headset, frequently cursing out people who piss him off and often giving directions that he knows would guarantee their win if people would just listen to him. Michael’s chest is warm and his voice, albeit loud, is familiar enough that Calum drifts off to sleep in no time.

Calum wakes up feeling empty and numb, and he decides that he does not like  _ A Little Life.  _ Even though he knows next to nothing about Ashton, he doesn’t understand how anybody could enjoy a book that devastating. He’s anxious to meet up with Ashton so he can tell him how strongly he disliked it, but also to find out what Ashton likes about it. He considers typing down some notes in his phone so he knows exactly what he wants to bring up but Michael says that’s nerdy even for him. It probably is.

Him and Ashton agree to meet up for lunch that day since neither of them have classes. Calum feels anxious the entire time he’s getting ready and he’s not too sure why. He doesn’t usually get nervous to hang out with people, but this seems like something more than a casual hang out. They’re meeting up to talk about a book, a very heavy book at that. And Calum already knows that they’re going to disagree about it, since Ashton had been the one to recommend it and call it a good book. Maybe he’s nervous because thinking about certain scenes make his skin crawl and his chest ache, and he’s really not sure if he wants to explain to Ashton why he had those reactions.

Maybe he’s also a little anxious to see Ashton’s soft-looking hair and charming smile again. Maybe.

Calum blames it on the heavy topics and heads out the door. 

When he walks into the small cafe they had agreed on, the smell of coffee instantly eases some of his nerves. The retro vibes, including the bright red booths and the fun jazz music crackling through the speakers, boost his mood the slightest bit. He spots Ashton at a table in the corner and orders his drink before heading over there. Ashton’s staring out the window as Calum approaches, so he seems startled when Calum clears his throat to get his attention. Once he sees it’s Calum, his face actually lights up and he seems like a completely different person than the pretentious, insulting guy Calum had talked to a few weeks ago, and Calum thinks he may have been too hasty in judging him. His stomach sinks as he realizes that this happy version of Ashton may not last long since Calum has come prepared to shit all over his book. 

“Well?” Ashton asks as soon as Calum sits down.

Calum takes a breath, deciding where to start. Probably best to just start with the truth, “I didn’t like it.”

“Okay,” Ashton says, and he doesn’t even really seem surprised, “Why?”

“Well, that’s my definition of pretentious writing. Some sentences dragged on forever, practically taking up whole paragraphs. I’d get lost halfway through and forget what the topic was even about.”

Ashton nods, “That’s fair. John Knowles writes similarly in  _ A Separate Peace.  _ It’s not for everyone. What else?”

Calum spends a long time going through his opinions. Ashton meets every single one with his own rebuttals and explanations. Oddly enough, it doesn’t even feel like they’re arguing. To Calum, it just seems like he’s saying what he didn’t like and Ashton’s explaining why he loved it for those exact reasons. It’s nice, easy.

“I just think it shows the uglier parts of life that most fiction won’t show.” Ashton’s explaining after Calum had said it was too sad, “Sometimes, no matter how much people love you and how much they try to help, it doesn’t work. You have moments of relief and happiness, but it doesn’t fix everything.”

“Yeah but it’s torture porn!” Calum exclaims, and this seems like it’s heading towards something he didn’t want to tell Ashton. He tries to keep it as vague as possible, “It’s so disturbingly graphic, and I understand that that’s how those things are. But...you could’ve told me some of the content warnings, at least. I had a hard time getting through some parts and my best friend had to comfort me so many times. He’s never hugged me that much.”

Calum tries to make the end as joking as possible, but if Ashton’s suddenly wide eyes and panicked expression are anything to go by, it didn’t work very well. Ashton’s actually gone pale and Calum’s a little uneasy at how strong his reaction to Calum’s comment is.

“Oh shit,” Ashton whispers, “Fuck. You’re right. I’m so sorry, Jesus, fuck. You’re right, I should’ve actually warned you.”

Calum tries to think of something that will both placate Ashton and move them away from this line of conversation. “It’s okay. I had Michael with me.” is what he finally decides on. 

Ashton still doesn’t seem very comforted by this, though. He asks, “Are you okay, though? I mean, I know you said you had your friend but, you’re not-you didn’t? I’d hate if something happened to you because I was stupid.”

Calum thinks he understands what Ashton’s indirectly trying to ask through his jumbled words. He’s uncomfortable at how fast this stranger, practically, had seemed to figure out what Calum was alluding to. It had taken years of close friendship for Calum to open up to Michael about some of the darker parts of his life; he wasn’t about to bare his soul to Ashton. “I’m fine, nothing happened.” He says, hoping he comes off as nonchalant. 

Ashton just nods. As the silence stretches on, Calum’s feeling like he made everything awkward and should just leave when Ashton finally asks, “So, what kind of books do you like then? Other than  _ The Goldfinch _ , which is still the biggest waste of trees I’ve ever put my hands on.”

Calum snorts and rolls his eyes at that. The first time Ashton had made fun of the book seemed genuine, but this time he was smiling, clearly just saying it to make Calum feel better. 

He thinks over the question, trying to find the simplest answer because, really, he likes most things. Except for books that tear out your heart and leave you empty insides. Eventually he decides on, “I just like things that make me happy and are beautifully written. Romances, good friendships, occasionally a nice fantasy.”

“Romance?” Ashton asks, a teasing grin on his face.

“What’s wrong with romance?” Calum asks. When Michael pokes fun at his love for romance books, he gets defensive. But now, he just wants to know what Ashton thinks of romance, thinking it might help him understand Ashton better.

“Nothing. A lot of them just seem the same to me.” He responds. 

“That’s not true!” Calum says, starting to get defensive. Romance is what he turns to when he needs something to take his mind off things. They’re happy and cute and he loves the idea of love, and he’s read some very diverse ones in his time. 

But Ashton doesn’t seem to agree, “I just think they’re unrealistic. Love isn’t like that, it doesn’t end at the happily ever after.”

Calum frowns. Ashton notices and just shrugs. “How do you live with being so cynical?” Calum asks.

Ashton lets out a surprised laugh and responds, “I like to think I’m realistic.”

“You can still be optimistic while being realistic.” Calum says. Ashton raises an eyebrow at him, and Calum tries not to dwell on how attractive that is. Calum’s torn; Ashton’s easy enough to talk to about books and Calum really enjoys his company, but he also seems to carry such a bleak view of the world and Calum’s not sure what effect that could have on their budding friendship. Michael can be pessimistic in a joking way, but he’s more logical than truly distrustful of the world. Ashton’s negativity seems genuine and Calum feels a bit bad for him. He understands what it’s like to think so terribly about everything and how damaging it can be. 

Calum thinks that Ashton could do with a good romance story, and Calum is a romance expert. It’s only fair that he recommends something to Ashton considering he read 800 pages of pure heartache for the other boy. He knows that he can’t pick something too cheesy though, because he knows that Ashton would want something that actually seems plausible. The ending can’t be too happy, just content. 

Calum thinks he has the perfect book.

He stands up and extends his hand out towards Ashton. Ashton laughs, clearly recognizing the return of his own move from when they first met. He takes Calum’s hand and they walk to the used bookstore together. 

Calum makes a conscious effort to spot Ashton on campus throughout the week without trying to seem desperate. 

It must not work that well. 

At lunch on Wednesday, Michael asks, “Don’t you have his number?”

They’re eating in the outdoor quad, on those blue tables that Calum tries really hard not to stick his fingers in the spaces of. He’s an adult now. Plus, he doesn’t want to get his finger stuck and have Michael make fun of him. The students around them are talking animatedly about school projects or teachers they dislike. There’s a couple sitting under a tree, the guy strumming a guitar and the girl looking bored out of her mind. Michael had been mocking the two since they sat down. A few kids are gathered around a table with books and notebooks. Calum loves observing the other people around them and imagining what’s going on in their lives. Occasionally, Michael and him will make a game out of it. Calum tries to make it serious while Michael makes crude comments, eventually leading to them creating the most unrealistic scenarios about aliens or the mafia that they can manage.

“We have a rule, I guess, where we don’t talk until we’ve finished the book.” Calum replies. It’s not technically true, since this is only the second book that they’ve passed between them, but it feels like an unspoken agreement.

“Well, that’s cute.” Michael says with raised eyebrows. Calum throws a fry at him.

It’s not his fault that he wants to see if Ashton carries the book around with him. Calum just wants to know what kind of reader he is. He wants to see how focused Ashton is with his eyes roaming across the pages, wants to see Ashton’s long fingers holding the book and gently turning the pages. He wonders if Ashton silently mouths the words to himself or if he’s completely still when he reads. Or if he has outward reactions like Calum does. Does he highlight passages and take notes in his book, or on post-it notes? Calum bets he does. But he wants to know. He wants to understand Ashton.

“Be careful.” Michael finally says, seeming to sense where Calum’s thoughts had headed. Calum looks over to find Michael looking earnest, which is rare and intimidating. He shifts under the intense gaze.

“What do you mean?” Calum asks, trying to keep his voice even. He’s pretty sure he knows what Michael means.

“Just...be careful around him.” Michael doesn’t expand beyond that, suddenly moving on to talk about some celebrity he thinks is cute; Calum thinks it’s one of the voice actors from Michael’s games.

But it suddenly reminds him, “The cashier at the bookstore is totally your type!”

The students around them shoot Calum amused glances. It’s not entirely new for Calum to make loud declarations in public places, most students are used to it by now. Some of them still look annoyed, though.

“What?” Michael asks through a laugh. 

“The cashier! At the used bookstore on campus!” Calum continues in a quieter voice, “He’s really cute. Blonde curly hair, lanky, nice smile. Totally your type. His name is Luke.”

“Are you just trying to get me to go to the bookstore with you?” Michael asks, but it’s not as annoyed as others might make it. Michael would do anything if Calum begged him enough.

“Well, yeah,” Calum says; Michael snorts, “But the cashier is also your type!”

Michael thinks it over. Their lunch hour is nearing its end and students are starting to head to their next classes, taking the noise of the quad with them. Calum looks over to find the boy with the guitar sitting by himself. His heart kind of hurts for the boy.

“Alright,” Michael says, “I have a few exams and papers this week, we’ll go sometime afterwards.”

Calum pulls Michael into a hug and holds onto his neck the entire time they’re throwing their trash away.

Calum receives the text that Ashton’s finished the book a week later. They’re meeting at the same time and place as last time, and Calum’s giddy the entire time he’s getting ready. Michael tries to act exasperated, but Calum sees the fondness behind his eyes. He’s really hoping Ashton liked the book; Calum doesn’t think there’s any reason he wouldn’t.  _ The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo _ is not a perfect love story. It’s sad and difficult and all the characters, especially Evelyn, have serious flaws. But it’s still a romance. Calum thinks it’s a perfect book for both of them.

Ashton’s sitting at the same table from before when Calum gets there. He’s too excited to actually order something, needing to know what Ashton thinks. He plops down in the chair across from Ashton who shoots him a smile that looks a bit fond, if Calum were too read into it too much.

Which he does, obviously.

“Well?” Calum asks expectantly and, yeah, Ashton’s laugh is definitely fond. 

“It was alright.” He says. Calum feels his face fall, knows that his eyes are probably laughably wide and his mouth is a little agape. Ashton quirks an eyebrow at him and Calum really needs to stop finding that so attractive. 

“Alright?” He asks, a bit too loudly, “It was realistic. They didn’t have a perfectly happy ending or an easy road!” Patrons at nearby tables shoot them a look and Calum really needs to learn to use his inside voice. He probably won’t.

“You’re right. It’s just kind of hard for the rest of us to relate to a famous, fictional actress.” Ashton says. Calum doesn’t know what to say to that for a few minutes. Obviously they can’t relate to an actress, but love should be universal. Ashton realizes he doesn’t have a rebuttal and sighs, “I just don’t think romance is for me. I can’t believe in it, no matter how realistic the story is.”

Calum’s confused. “What do you mean you can’t believe in it?” Calum believes in romance, or at least love, more than almost anything else. He loves the idea of love, and he loves feeling love for his friend or an animal or an endearing stranger on the street. There’s just so much to love about the world, in his eyes at least.

“I’ve just never seen it.” Ashton says, looking down at the table, “I don’t think it’s possible for me.”

And that makes Calum a bit sad because he thinks love should be possible for everyone in some capacity. Even if it’s just from a friend or music or a warm drink on a cold day, Calum thinks everyone should feel love on both ends. Plus, he can’t stand seeing such a beaten down expression on Ashton’s face. He’s not sure what it is exactly, but his heart is telling him that he cannot leave Ashton at this table not believing in love. The idea he gets is absurd, Michael would tell him that he’s an idiot, there’s a very strong possibility that Ashton will reject him, but he can’t not try. 

“I’ll show you that it is.” He says.

Ashton’s head snaps up and he looks confused. “What?” He asks.

“Let me show you that love is possible. And that romance novels can be realistic and you don’t have to think negatively about everything. Let me show you how fun love can be.” Calum’s leaning forward now because, as much as Michael would call him an idiot for it, Calum thinks it’s one of his best ideas yet. He can hear the excitement in his own voice, or maybe it’s desperation, but he’ll make it anything that will convince Ashton to go along with it.

“Oh yeah?” Ashton laughs out bitterly, “How?”

Calum feels a smile take over his face because it’s not an outright rejection yet. “Let’s live like we’re in a romance novel. For as long as it takes.”

“And what does that entail?” Ashton asks. His eyebrow is quirked again and there’s a small smile on his lips which either means he’s entertaining the idea or he’s about to laugh in Calum’s face and leave. But they’ve made it this far and Calum’s not giving up now.

“Considering I’m the romance novel expert,” Ashton snorts at that, “I think I should get to surprise you.”

Ashton shakes his head as he looks out the window, but he’s laughing so Calum knows it’s not a rejection. He can tell that Ashton’s thinking it over and decides that he won’t say anything more until Ashton does. Instead, he stares at Ashton’s profile. He is one of the most beautiful boys Calum’s ever seen. He knows why Michael would call him an idiot for this plan, and it’s not because the plan is cheesy and cliche and sounds like it would come straight out of a movie. It’s because they both know how easily Calum trusts, and how easily he can fall. They know that there’s a good chance Calum will actually develop feelings for Ashton throughout their tryst, even if Ashton doesn’t feel the same way. Because Ashton is smart and he seems genuinely nice, they connect in an effortless way that Calum loves, and that leaves a lot of room for something different, something more. This could be the moment that Calum’s expectations, along with his heart, are going to be crushed. But it would be worth it if he could get Ashton to change his mind, even a little bit. Even if it’s not Calum he feels love for, Calum just wants him to feel it for something. He wants Ashton to be happy. Even if it costs Calum his own heart.

That’s probably a bit too dramatic.

(“That’s extremely dramatic.” Michael tells him later on, after Calum had explained everything to him, “But it’s also a valid concern, if a little exaggerated”).

Ashton turns back to face Calum, and he feels his heart leap into his throat at Ashton’s smile. “Let’s do it.” He says.

“Oh my God, Michael, what are we going to do?” Calum asks as soon as Michael comes back from his midday shower. 

“Can I please have some context?” Michael asks back, still standing by the door in nothing but some raggedy shorts Calum’s been trying to get him to throw away for about six years now.

“With Ashton, for our romance novel escapade!” Before leaving the coffeeshop the previous day, Calum had told Ashton to leave everything to him for now. He would handle the planning of the first “date.” The plan was to draw inspiration from common tropes in romance novels, but suddenly, Calum has forgotten every book he’s ever read and now he’s panicking. He wants these dates to be perfect, he has to show Ashton that love is worth it. He’s not sure what he’ll do if he can’t convince Ashton, or if he completely ruins love for the other boy.

“Well, what does he like?” Michael asks, rustling around in their shared closet for a shirt. 

Their dorm room is cramped; there’s two standard beds, but only one closet and dresser that Michael and Calum share. The majority of their space is taken up by Michael’s gaming set-up and Calum’s small bookshelf. There’s one actual chair at Michael’s desk and a hideously orange bean bag chair that Calum uses on the occasion that he plays with Michael. In the corner near Michael’s bed is the acoustic guitar that they had bought together sophomore year. Sometimes at night, or on their days off, they’ll take turns playing songs for each other in the middle of the floor. It always starts out nice and serious, but eventually they’re getting noise complaints for screaming lyrics or banging away at the guitar and laughing too hard at their own antics. 

“Books, I guess.” Calum shrugs. It’s only now that he’s realizing that him and Ashton have never really talked much outside of the books they’ve read. How was he ever planning on taking Ashton on a date?”

“You guess? Is that it?” Michael asks with a laugh. Calum flops back onto his bed, smushing a pillow over his face and groaning into it. The bed dips next to him and Michael pulls the pillow off his face, throwing it off the side of the bed. Calum’s glad that they’ve been best friends since childhood; any other roommate would never have put up with Calum’s over-the-top personality. 

“Okay, let’s think about this strategically.” Calum sits up at Michael’s serious voice, both of them sitting cross-legged on opposite ends of the bed. If there’s one thing that Michael’s good at, it’s strategy, “You said he doesn’t really believe in love? And he doesn’t like romance novels?”

Calum nods, “Pretty much. And that’s, like, literally all I know about him.” He resists the urge to dramatically fall off the bed and lie on the floor for the rest of the conversation.

Michael ponders over this for a moment, picking at a loose thread on the shorts. Calum also resists the urge to tell him to just throw them away already. “Well,” Michael starts, “You can’t start with something too big, or too intimate, because you don’t want him to get too scared.” 

“Yeah, but what’s a good inbetween?” 

“A movie?” 

Calum does groan and dramatically fall off the side of the bed at this. He lands with his arms flailed out at his sides and his feet still stuck on the bed, where Michael is sitting and laughing at him. “I can’t believe you just suggested that.” Calum whispers and throws his arm over his eyes.

“What’s wrong with a movie?” Michael laughs.

This is why Michael’s not the romance expert.

“How am I supposed to get to know him or show him that love is real if we’re stuck in silence eating overpriced popcorn?” Calum bites out. He's had so many awkward dates at a movie theater, he would never want to put Ashton through something like that.

“So watch a movie in the common area. Microwave and popcorn bags are there, you can sit close together on the couch, and you can choose a shitty movie to make fun of the whole time.” Calum thinks about it. It’s not too big considering it will only be them, but there will also be a movie to distract them or give them something to talk about. They won’t have to worry about getting too serious or emotional, but they can still get to know about each other. It’s not exactly from a romance novel, but it’s cheesy enough and has the potential to be sweet; Calum reckons they could be writing their own best-seller here.

Alright, maybe Michael can be the second romance exper.

“You’re a genius, Mikey!” Calum jumps back on the bed and gives Michael a wet kiss on the cheek. Michael pushes him back on the floor.

Calum schedules their date for next weekend. He texts Ashton to meet him at his dorm around seven and to dress comfortably, as if he were going for a sleepover. Ashton had sent a few question marks back; Calum had just responded with a few smiley face emojis.

Michael, being an expert in hilariously bad movies, agrees to help Calum pick something out on the condition that they go to the bookstore to meet Luke. They go on Wednesday after their classes, lucky that Luke is even working that day and that the store is fairly empty. Michael’s blushing the entire time they talk as Calum buys some books. Luke keeps shooting Michael shy glances that have Calum’s heart melting. Before they leave, Michael stumbles through asking for Luke’s number, which Luke happily gives with the biggest smile Calum thinks he’s ever seen on anyone.

On their walk back to the dorms, Michael claims that he believes he’s met his future husband.

Saturday rolls around and Michael’s spent most of the day playing games and texting Luke. Calum’s looked up from an essay he’s writing multiple times to find Michael trying not to smile at his phone.

Calum’s not really nervous until the clock hits six. He decides he has to change into some nicer sweatpants because, even though he told Ashton to dress for a sleepover, he doesn’t want to look like he doesn’t care about their date. Even though it’s not really a date. But he has to take this seriously, for Ashton. Michael looks at him with an amusedly judgemental stare the entire time he’s going through their shared dresser. The rest of the hour is spent sitting on his bed and trying not to hyperventilate. Michael sits with him and rubs his back, but he’s staring at his phone the entire time. Calum doesn’t mind; Michael’s letting him sneak glances at his and Luke’s messages. They’re mostly just discussing their interests, with the odd funny video or song recommendation showing up in the thread. Calum thinks they’re cute.

Michael’s suddenly pulling away and leveling Calum with a serious gaze. “Be careful.” He says.

“Why do you keep saying that?” He asks, shifting uncomfortably. He’s certain he knows why Michael keeps saying him, but sometimes the other boy surprises him with logic that Calum hadn’t even considered.

“I know you know that this isn’t a game, and that Ashton’s feelings are kind of on the line.” Calum nods; it’s not a game, he has a genuine interest in Ashton and wants to make this good for him, “From what you’ve said, this might be pretty big for him, it’s probably a pretty vulnerable situation for him.”

And there’s some logic Calum hadn’t entirely considered, but Michael’s not done, “But you have to be careful with your feelings too.”

Calum knows that, of course, he just hadn’t put much thought into it. He had been so focused on making sure the first date would be perfect for Ashton that he had neglected to think about how it might affect himself. Calum knows his own heart, and he knows how susceptible it is to different emotions, which includes heartbreak just as well as love. Michael understands that Calum’s also putting himself in a vulnerable situation here. But Ashton probably doesn’t know that, he doesn’t know the things that Michael knows.

Calum curls back up to Michael to subdue the thoughts racing through his mind. He just has to focus on making this the best date possible for them both.

There’s a knock on the door at precisely seven and Calum practically throws himself off the bed. He takes a few deep breaths before he opens the door. Although, the breath is promptly knocked out of him as soon as Ashton comes into view. Calum’s only ever seen him in jeans and sweaters during their time out, the black t-shirt and grey sweatpants should look foreign and strange on him. But the comfortable clothes, mixed with his unkempt curls are begging to be cuddled by Calum. 

Calum’s startled out of his reverie by Michael coming to stand beside him. “You’re Ashton then?” He asks. 

“I am. And you are?” Ashton responds. If he’s thrown off by Michael’s presence, he doesn’t show it. Calum kind of wishes he would. 

“Michael. Roommate. Best friend since childhood. First in his heart.” Michael snuggles up to Calum’s side as he says this; Calum pushes him away. When he turns back to Ashton, Ashton’s watching them with amusement and something that looks like longing, if Calum were to read too far into it.

He tries not to, for now. He tries to be careful with his own heart. 

“Should we go?” He asks instead. Ashton steps to the side, gesturing for Calum to lead the way. They walk to the lounge in comfortable silence; their hands brush as they walk in the small hallways and Calum really feels like they’re nailing the cliche romance story. 

Ashton doesn’t ask what the plan is until he’s sitting on the slightly ratty, rough-textured couch and Calum is waiting for the popcorn by the microwave. They already have two beers cracked open on the small, light wood coffee table that sits in front of the hideously green sofa. 

“We’re watching a movie.” Calum says, pouring the popcorn into a bowl and bringing it over to the couch. He sits next to Ashton and rests the bowl in his lap, rather than set it between them. Calum can’t watch a movie without cuddling, and he especially doesn’t want to keep his distance tonight. Ashton raises an eyebrow at him. “It’s not a serious movie. Michael suggested it since he’s the king of comically awful movies. And I didn’t want to reserve us to the silence of a movie theater, I want to get to know you better outside of books.”

Ashton blushes at that and looks down, shoveling a handful of popcorn into his mouth rather than answering. Calum smiles to himself, observing how nice Ashton’s cheeks look when they’re dusted with pink. He resists the urge to plant a kiss there.

For now.

Instead he gets up to start the movie. He’s not entirely sure what it is. Michael said it was a homoerotic male-witch movie and that’s really all that Calum needed to know.

They pay attention for the first half hour, occasionally making remarks on the poor acting or predictable dialogue. Somehow, the conversations veers away from the film. Calum learns that Ashton has two younger siblings that he took care of growing up. The mentions of his parents are vague, and Calum knows better than to pry at the moment. Calum tells him about his family and childhood in return. He learns that Ashton plays the drums, and that he’s actually studying to become a music teacher. Calum can’t really think of anything more fitting for him. They spend the better part of the movie discussing the music they like. Calum writes down some of Ashton’s suggestions in the notes on his phone. He plans on listening to them as soon as he can, knowing that music can sometimes be the quickest way into somebody’s mind. 

Calum finds that talking to Ashton outside of books is also easy. He likes the sound of Ashton’s voice, and Ashton seems like a genuinely caring person. But there’s more to him that Calum can’t help but want to understand in its entirety. For now, he suppresses his restless desire, knowing he has to be patient for even the possibility of that. He convinces himself that he really doesn’t mind waiting if it’s Ashton he’s waiting for.

They had managed to move closer throughout the movie. Calum is properly curled up to Ashton’s side now, his head resting on the older boy's shoulder and their legs pressed firmly against each other. Ashton’s arm is warm around his waist. The bowl of popcorn lies empty on the table along with two bottles that once held beer, the world outside the windows has gone completely dark and Calum had gotten up a few minutes ago to dim the lights in the room. They’re still making fun of the movie and Calum can’t think of a more perfect, comfortable setting for the two of them. It feels like any movie night with Michael, but there’s a certain electricity in the air that leaves the potential for so much more.

No matter how Calum’s plan goes, he believes that they will at least get a good friendship out of this. And maybe that will be enough.

Calum’s not sure it will be, but he pushes that back for now. It’s too early to tell.

The movie ends and they begin to clean up the table. 

“This was fun.” Ashton says. His voice is different from their conversation on the couch. It’s quieter, like he’s admitting a secret in the dark. Calum’s not entirely certain how to react to it in a way that won’t push Ashton away.

“Yeah?” He asks, just as quietly. Ashton nods, not meeting Calum’s eyes. He feels something glow in his chest at the fact that Ashton allowed himself to be open to Calum’s idea and enjoyed himself. But he has to be mindful of how big this is for Ashton, how frightening it may be. He leaves it at, “Good. I’m glad.”

The room is clean in no time, and they stand there for a few minutes in silence. Calum didn’t entirely think this far ahead. He wants to keep talking to Ashton, but it’s late and he’s not sure exactly how Ashton’s feeling or what he wants.

He’s not left wondering for long. “Let me walk you back to your room.” Ashton suggests.

Calum nods and holds out his hand for Ashton to take. Ashton exhales a small laugh, but takes it all the same. They walk in silence again, and Calum swings their hands between them. He steals a glance over at Ashton, who is looking down at their hands with a smile on his face. Calum feels something bubbling up in his chest that he tries desperately to fight down for both his and Ashton’s sake. It was one date, and he’s not sure if it even counts as a real one. But Ashton looked so beautiful and at ease the entire time, and he was so easy to talk to. Calum really can’t wait to tell Michael all about it, both so he can express all the feelings brewing in him and so Michael can be the logic that Calum often finds himself lacking.

They’re in front of Calum’s door much sooner than he’d like. Ashton steps in front of him and turns to face him, holding both of his hands now. “Thank you.” He whispers. 

Calum’s not entirely sure what he’s being thanked for, and he doesn’t want to risk questioning it. Instead, he whispers, “Do you believe in love yet?” It’s meant to be teasing, but he’s not sure it comes out like that. 

He has his answer when Ashton’s smile falters slightly. Ashton still responds, “I don’t know.”

“Well,” Calum says, not entirely surprised, “I’ll text you the details of our next romantic endeavor, then.” 

On a whim, he leans in and presses his lips lightly to Ashton’s cheek. He lingers for a second, registering the slightest stubble on his lips that he couldn’t see when looking at Ashton. When he steps back, Ashton’s eyes on his are wide. His mouth is slightly parted and the pink on his cheeks is more intense than it was earlier. But Calum wasn’t pushed away or ridiculed, Ashton didn’t tense up or jerk back. It was sweet, the perfect end to an already cliche-feeling night. 

“Goodnight, Ashton.” Calum whispers. Ashton’s mouth turns up in a smile. As Calum slips inside his room, out of the corner of his eye he sees one of Ashton’s hands move to his cheeks, brushing over the spot that Calum’s lips had rested. Once the door closes, Calum leans back on it and closes his eyes, a smile threatening to take over his face.

“You’re so dramatic.” Michael says from his spot on his bed. Calum startles at the volume of his voice, and just like that the night’s bubble is popped. “You know you’re not actually in a book, right?”

Calum flips him off as he makes his way over to his own bed. He still kind of feels like he’s floating from the kiss, like his mind is slightly detached from his body, a feeling that no amount of teasing from Michael could take away. Calum loves this feeling and he wants to revel in it for just a bit longer.

“I want to hear all about it tomorrow.” Michael says, quieter this time.

Calum hums in agreement and closes his eyes. His dreams that night are filled with a warm body and a smooth voice, so much different than the dreams he usually has.

Calum spends the next day curled up on his bed, listening to the music that Ashton recommended to him. He itches for a bass while listening to The Strokes, he feels himself remembering his childhood love for music listening to The Kinks, and he absolutely falls in love with The Cranberries. All of this is expressed to Ashton in a long, incoherent but passionate text. His answer is a smiley face and a “good,” Calum thinks that’s enough. He gets the feeling that Ashton’s not one for texting, if the old school music he listens to is anything to go by.

He’s not sure the music gives him a better insight into Ashton’s psyche, though. Maybe it alludes to the fact that Ashton’s a bit sad and troubled, but that’s something Calum had figured out on his own already. Despite that, it at least gives him a better idea of what Ashton’s tastes, which could also be important.

Calum is listening to “Sleepwalker” again when Michael walks into the room, Luke in towe.

“If I had known you were bringing a boy back, I would’ve told you to clean.” Calum tells Michael, pausing the song. Luke blushes and looks at Michael shyly. 

Michael throws a pillow at Calum and says, “He’s helping me with math, asshole.”

That lasts for about forty-five minutes, after which Michael promptly gives up and throws his notes back in his bag. They all end up sitting on the floor and talking for an hour, Michael’s phone softly playing music from where it rests in the middle of their small triangle. Luke’s funny, in a dorky way, and Calum thinks he’s perfect for Michael. Michael seems to think so to, if the doe-eyed way he keeps staring at Luke is anything to go by. Calum catches the happy glances Luke keeps shooting at Michael that the other boy doesn’t seem to notice.

“So,” Luke says, “Ashton tells me you’re trying to woo him.”

Calum blushes and mumbles, “I mean, I guess so.” Luke raises his eyebrow and Calum briefly wonders just how close Luke and Ashton are if they share the same mannerisms. He explains, “I just want him to see that love is real, in some capacity.”

Luke nods but doesn’t respond for a minute. The music is the only thing filling the small space for a bit. Finally, Luke says, “I’m not sure that Ashton’s ever really been in a relationship, and he doesn’t have too many close friends, so he’s probably not expecting much from you.” Calum frowns at that, but Luke continues, “He’s just never had anyone put in a lot of effort for him. That being said, don’t go overboard. He’s still a pretty simple guy, grand gestures make him uncomfortable. He’s more likely to open up if it feels real.”

“It is real.” Calum whispers, not entirely sure where that came from. But it’s true; he’s not just doing this for fun, he likes Ashton and he genuinely wants Ashton to have fun and at least see him as a friend. And now, with everything that Luke’s telling him, Calum knows he has to be even more aware, because Ashton’s probably not expecting this to work while Calum’s really hoping it does. Michael and Luke both shoot him a look, Michael’s being concerned and Luke’s being calculating. 

“Well, good.” Luke concludes, apparently having finished his assessment, “Like I said, simple is best for Ashton. He likes things quiet.”

Calum thinks he has the perfect idea for their next date. He casually drops questions about Ashton to Luke all week. Luke’s knowing smile tells Calum that he’s not being very subtle, but his questions get answered anyways.

On Friday, he texts Ashton, “Come over for breakfast tomorrow, I’m cooking for you.” 

Breakfast is perfect. Calum makes standard pancakes and bacon; Ashton seems extremely touched by the gesture. He’s shy arriving at Calum’s door and he remains flustered the entire time Calum’s cooking in the recreational room. Calum has to frequently usher him back to the table when he tries to help. Conversation while they eat is easy, light. They talk about classes, Calum asks Ashton about Luke. They’ve been friends since high school, and Ashton feels like Luke’s his little brother. Calum finds it very endearing. They do the washing up together and Calum tries not to focus on how domestic it is.

At the end of breakfast, Ashton invites Calum over for dinner the next night. Calum accepts, of course. 

He stresses about what to wear for the entire day. Ashton had texted him his address, because apparently him and Luke share an apartment near campus, like functioning adults. Calum’s not sure why it throws him off so much. It makes Ashton seem more put together, unattainable. 

Michael walks in with Luke to find half their wardrobe on the floor. He groans and walks over to the closet, pulling out a simple blue sweater and black jeans and shoving them into Calum’s chest. After an hour, he’s finally ready; Luke shoots him an encouraging thumbs up and Michael makes a lewd hand gesture. 

Ashton’s apartment isn’t a long walk away from campus, and Calum enjoys the time and fresh air to sort his thoughts out. 

His feelings for Ashton right now aren’t overflowing, he just enjoys spending time with him and he can’t deny that Ashton’s very pleasant to look at. He knows that he’s not in love with Ashton yet, but he can’t help denying that there’s something there. His chest feels a little warm when he thinks about Ashton, which is quite frequently, and he keeps replaying Ashton’s hand ghosting over where Calum’s mouth graced his cheek, and the blush that had accompanied it. Ashton’s feelings remain unknown to him, though. Desperately does he want to believe that Ashton could love him, and he has a hard time considering the realistic ending of it all. 

But, at this very moment, they’re not in love.

It doesn’t take long for Ashton to open the door after Calum knocks, and he’s quickly ushered inside out of the chilly air. Ashton’s apartment is fairly small and minimalistic. The kitchen is pretty modern looking and the living room only consists of a brown, leather couch, and flat screen, and a dark bookshelf lined with tattered paperbacks and vinyls. It seems exactly like a space Ashton would inhabit. 

Calum gets his first good look at Ashton once he’s taken his shoes off and is being led over to the couch. His curls are messy, he’s wearing a plain sweater and jeans much like Calum. Calum feels his heart clench at the sight.

“So, what’s the plan for dinner?” Calum asks to take his mind off how beautiful Ashton looks right now, and always.

In lieu of a response, Ashton sits on the floor in front of the couch and pulls a bag of takeout from behind the arm of the sofa. He grins up at Calum, looking proud and expectant, like a child showing off an art project. Calum’s heart tightens again, but he throws on an amused smile and sits down in front of Ashton. 

They deal out the food and settle in before any conversation starts. Ashton’s the first to speak, asking, “So what’s the deal with Luke and Michael?”

Calum swallows the chicken he was in the middle of eating before he responds, “They’re just hanging out right now, but Michael’s so obviously pining, it’s sickening.”

“God, same with Luke.” Ashton groans out, “There’s no way he’s going to make the first move, though, he’s too much of a baby.”

Calum laughs at Ashton’s teasing tone even though he can so clearly see the fondness in his eyes when talking about his best friend. It warms his chest and gives him hope. He says, “Michael will probably ask him out soon enough.” 

He laughs harder at Ashton’s exasperated, “Good!”

They talk about their roommates for a while, Ashton asking about how Michael and Calum became friends. Calum tells him that neither of them had many friends when they were younger. He happily recalls the day he walked in on Michael in the music room at school during lunch, messing around with a guitar. Calum had been planning on spending the period in the music room, alone, but Michael had been there with his long hair and frightened expression and Calum thought it must have been fate. Michael seemed like he was ready to bolt when Calum carefully approached him and asked what songs he could play, and if Calum could play with him.

Calum can’t look at Ashton when he’s telling the story because he’s blushing too much under his unwavering gaze, and Ashton’s looking at him with too many emotions for Calum to decipher. He asks how he and Luke became friends to direct the attention away from himself and listens intently to the heartwarming tale of how Luke was being teased for some ugly glasses he was wearing when Ashton stepped in and told the other kids in their group to leave him alone.

“He used to be such a quiet, awkward kid.” Ashton’s saying, staring down at his empty plate with a smile, “Now, he’s so confident in himself and he’s so open about who he is. It’s amazing to watch him grow up.”

And Calum knows that tone of voice, can see the pride shining on his Ashton’s face, he knows that Ashton loves Luke like his own family, even if Ashton doesn’t realize it. He’s not going to point it out either, right now. Instead, he says, “He really means a lot to you.”

Ashton still looks shocked at Calum’s remark, but he admits, “Yeah, he does.” The silence that sits between them is charged, but not uncomfortable. It only lasts for a minute before Ashton notices that both of them are done eating and stands, announcing, “Stay right here, I have a surprise for you.”

Before Calum can respond, Ashton’s carrying their empty plates and cartons off to the kitchen. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, checking it to distract himself from thinking about what Ashton’s surprise could be and what it could mean about their progress. Calum desperately tries to channel Michael in his head, telling himself that it’s way too soon for them to have made any significant steps. This is technically their third date; all their conversations have been casual and there has been no talk of feelings. Calum thinks this may be a problem, they may have to discuss this more at some point and he’s not sure how he’s going to handle that because he’s not certain what he’s feeling. All he knows is that he enjoys spending time with Ashton and he feels relaxed around the boy in a way that he’s only had with Michael and he doesn’t want to lose that.

Before he can spiral too far, Ashton’s walking back in with a platter of something. When he sets it down between them, Calum can clearly see that it’s strawberries. Not just strawberries, but huge ones, almost the size of Calum’s palm, each one drizzled differently with chocolate and various nuts.

“What is this?” Calum asks through a laugh, because he’s elated now at how cliche this is, and it was Ashton who did this.

“Well, we’re living like a romance, right? I don’t know much about the genre, but I know this is a pretty cheesy staple, so I prepared these last nights.”

Calum meets Ashton’s eyes at that, his mouth parted in surprise, not believing he heard that right because, “You prepared these?”

Calum feels a bit bad about his reaction because Ashton suddenly seems flustered, looking down and sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. Still, he answers, “Well, yeah. I can’t let you put in all the effort. This is a two-way street, yeah?”

Calum can feel his face heating up, his palms starting to sweat, and his heart thudding violently against his chest. He doesn’t think he’s ever been this charmed before in his life. Nobody’s ever done something so cute and sweet for him, and this is Ashton, who may have never been in a relationship before and knows nothing about romance but still went through the effort for Calum. Calum has no idea what that signifies for them, but he’s determined not to overthink it and ruin their night. He’ll work it out tomorrow with Michael, and possibly Luke.

For now, he picks up one of the berries by the leaves and holds it out to Ashton. Ashton tries to reach for it but Calum pulls it back and admonishes, “Nope, you have to let me feed it to you, it’s the proper way.”

Ashton raises both eyebrows at him as he snorts in disbelief, but he opens his mouth anyways. Calum carefully leads the strawberry to Ashton’s mouth. The fruit is huge, and some of the chocolate falls off when Ashton bites into it, but he’s quick to catch it with his hand. He’s laughing through his mouthful and Calum can’t stop himself laughing as well because it’s so ridiculous and perfect.

Ashton doesn’t hesitate after eating the rest of his strawberry and broken chocolate pieces to pick one up and hold it out for Calum, who happily opens his mouth as Ashton leads the strawberry to him. The chocolate falls off again and some of the juice drips down his chin, and Ashton falls back laughing at the picture Calum must make. He swallows around his mouthful without choking and joins Ashton, giggling quietly. He even continues smiling when Ashton leans forward and softly wipes the juice off Calum’s mouth with a napkin. Calum studies Ashton’s face as he does it, notes the small smile and the tender look in his eyes, which are staring down at Calum’s lips. 

Calum thinks that, normally, this moment would lead to a kiss where they would taste the sweetness in each other’s mouth and they’d probably end up cuddled on the floor for the rest of the night. But that’s not how they work, despite how much Calum longs for it in that moment. Because this is Ashton, he’s not any normal relationship that Calum’s been in before. They move differently, and Calum finds that he’s fine with it.

They finish off the platter, and then Calum says he has to head back to his dorm. Ashton offers to walk him home, and they hold hands the whole way there. Calum once agains notes how warm Ashton’s hands are, and how big they are, how safe they feel. They walk mostly in silence, just looking in front and occasionally stealing glances at each other, laughing and turning their heads away when they accidentally look at the same time.

Much too soon, they’re in front of Calum’s door. “Thank you for tonight,” Calum whispers, “It was really nice.”

Ashton’s smiling at him, and he looks like he wants to see something, so Calum waits. Finally, he leans in and ghosts his lips over Calum’s cheek, a return of their first date. “Good night, Cal. I’ll text you.” He says, and starts walking away, turning back once to shoot a smile at Calum, who’s still standing by his door, dumbfounded and ecstatic. He probably looks crazy, smiling as widely as he is, but his cheek is tingling and his chest is  _ so  _ warm but, for once, he’s not worried about it. Tomorrow, he’ll go over it with Michael and they’ll be logical and work through everything.

Tonight, Calum savors the warmth.

Him and Michael talk about it the next day, but all Michael tells him is that there’s a possibility he’s falling for Ashton, which they all knew could happen, and that it’s nothing he has control over. He just needs to be careful. Really, Calum already knew this somewhere in his mind, but it’s still nice to hear it from someone else, someone who he knows will keep him in line.

The rest of the week progresses like normal; they attend classes, Michael and Calum eat lunch together when they can, Michael constantly texts Luke and sometimes he’ll join them for dinner. Calum’s thinking of where he wants to take Ashton on their next date, because he at least knows that he wants to make it a bit more of a public setting. Surprisingly, Ashton’s been texting him more as well. They share music or short story recommendations, never books because they already learned that lesson, and sometimes Ashton will just text to wish Calum a good day. It seems like butterflies are constantly living in Calum’s stomach and he’s not entirely used to it.

It’s Thursday night and Calum still doesn’t know where he’s taking Ashton this week. He’s aimlessly scrolling through his phone and debating on asking Luke, who’s “studying” with Michael on the other side of the room, when there’s a knock on the door. Michael barely even seems to notice, too wrapped up in something Luke is saying. Calum supposes that means it’s up to him to answer it.

With a sigh, he pushes himself off his bed and opens the door to find Ashton, looking nervous of all things. His hands are hidden behind his back and he’s wrapped in a sweater that’s too big for him; Calum doesn’t think he’s ever seen anyone more adorable. The butterflies are back.

“Hey,” he says, hoping his smile doesn’t convey how fast his heart is beating at the sight of the other boy, “What are you doing here? Do you wanna come in?”

“Oh, uh, sure.” Ashton mumbles, stepping inside, his hands still secured behind his back. Calum’s never seen Ashton look uncomfortable like this, like he’s unsure of what he’s doing or what his next move should be. It’s slightly worrying, to say the least. “I made you this.” Ashton says like he’s ripping a band-aid off. He shoves his arm out towards Calum, who’s too stunned at Ashton’s demeanor for a moment to look down at his hand. But when he does, he feels himself flush so much that it leaves him lightheaded for a moment.

Ashton’s holding a mixtape. His looped handwriting spelling out “CALUM” on the white strip on the front. 

“I wrote out the songs on a notecard, it’s inside the case, just for um-if you wanted to know what any of the songs were.” Ashton mutters. Calum has vaguely registered that Michael and Luke are no longer talking and are probably watching them, but there’s not a part of him that cares at this moment. The inside of his head is complete static. He looks up at Ashton, whose eyes are flickering over to the door and right, vulnerability, this seems like a big thing for Ashton.

Calum plows through the fuzz enough to ask, “You made this?”

He didn’t think anyone knew how to make mixtapes anymore. 

“Yeah,” Ashton says, and he’s staring at the floor now but at least it doesn’t look like he’s considering leaving anymore, “It’s songs that remind me of you, or just songs that I think you would like. I mean, they’re just suggestions, you don’t have to listen to them and-” Ashton cuts off his own rambling with a shake of his head. His cheeks have gone rosy and Calum wants to leave endless kisses on them.

He doesn’t.

Instead, he opens the plastic and takes out the notecard with the songs on them. There’s twelve songs in total but Calum can’t read past the first one.

_ Fast Car- Tracy Chapman _

He’s heard it before; it’s one of his favorites. And the fact that this song could remind Ashton of him tugs at Calum’s heart in a way that he’s powerless to stop. But he’ll deal with that later because the song has also given him an idea.

“How about we go to the beach tomorrow?” He asks, looking back at Ashton. The older boy looks taken aback by the suggestion, like it wasn’t the response he was expecting. Calum realizes that it probably wasn’t.

Ashton smiles then, something small and secretive, and Calum’s heart is overwhelming now, to the point where his eyes start to ache with tears that won’t surface. He has to fight them back when Ashton says, quietly, “Yeah, I’d like that.” 

Neither of them mention that they technically have classes tomorrow.

“Great.” Calum breathes out, letting his own smile break through. They stand there for a few minutes, just smiling at each other until Michael obnoxiously coughs behind them. Calum startles, forgetting that he and Luke were still in the room, and turns back to Ashton. “I’ll text you tomorrow.”

Ashton just nods, and smiles some more, and Calum leads him out the door, falling back on it once it’s closed just like he did on the night of their first date. This time, he’s clutching the mixtape to his chest and he can’t stop smiling no matter how much he bites at the inside of his cheeks.

“You’re so dramatic.” Luke laughs out. Calum can’t bear to let go of the mix long enough to flip him off.

“Is it too much if I ask him to take a romantic bubble bath with me after we get back from the beach?” Calum asks and he can hear the wistfulness and awe in his own voice. If he were anybody else, he thinks, he might be embarrassed by this, but his heart is too full for any other emotions.

Michael wheezes at the question, responding, “Definitely too much.” 

Calum is vibrating with excitement the next day, it seems. He had woken up early to text Ashton, who has agreed to drive since he’s a functional adult with an actual car. Ashton tells him that he’ll be by in about half an hour and not to pack anything. Calum trusts him, assuming that Ashton will have whatever they may need, though he does bring his wallet in case he wants to woo Ashton with food or ice cream. 

Michael’s still asleep when Ashton texts Calum that he’s in front of their building, so Calum just presses a light kiss to his forehead before walking out. He spots Ashton’s car and he thinks that every new thing about Ashton makes him fall more and more, because Ashton looks incredible behind the wheel of a car and he’s wearing shorts and Calum can’t stop thinking about how comfortable his thighs look. But he climbs into the passenger seat with a smile, wanting to enjoy his whole day with Ashton.

“You’re in charge of the music.” Ashton says as a greeting, handing over his aux cord. Calum plugs his phone in and queues up his roadtrip playlist he made back when he was 17 and dreaming of driving far away from home with Michael. 

Ashton giggles as Daft Punk’s “Doing It Right” floats through the speakers and fills the space in the car. Calum turns it up and begins dancing to the best ability in a seatbelt, if only to see the smile on Ashton’s face stay there through the whole drive.

The playlist is long, seems almost never-ending as they whiz down the highway. Calum feels light as they dance and sing and scream to everything coming through the radio. He continuously finds himself looking over at Ashton, admiring how celestial he looks with one hand resting on the steering wheel, the other resting on the gearshift between them. The sun is burning through the windows and lighting up Ashton’s hair, making his smile seem more radiant than usual. The sight makes Calum’s heart soar, and his brain seems to be going as fast as the car. It feels like they’re driving into infinity.

Calum realizes he’s smiling distractedly at Ashton and thinks, if this were a movie, this moment would be part of a beautiful montage filled with him and Ashton laughing and singing like idiots, shots of the car racing down the highway as the sun looms over them, all set to some indie song that Calum can hear in his head but can’t place the name of. He can picture the whole scene in his head and it’s beautiful.

It perfectly encapsulates all the joy and love he’s feeling in this moment. He just wants it to last.

And it does. The day is perfect; the beach isn’t too crowded and they find a nice spot close to the water. They help apply suntan lotion to each other’s back, which Calum tries not to blush at as Ashton laughs at the corniness of it all. They laugh as they splash around in the water, trying to catch the other and push them under the water like children, and Calum gets to admire how divine Ashton looks stepping out of the water, body soaked and absolutely glistening in the sunlight.

They eat both lunch and dinner at beachside restaurants and, before they know it, the sun is setting and nobody else is left on the beach except for them. The sand is cool beneath their bare feet as they walk along the shore, hand in hand, and Calum knows it’s the most cliche thing they’ve done so far but he doesn’t think either of them mind.

“Today was really fun.” Ashton says. Calum turns his head to find Ashton already looking at him, smiling. Something in his chest leaps. It leaps again when Ashton continues, “You’re really fun to be around.”

Calum blushes and looks away. His mouth is running before he even has a chance to think, “I wasn’t, for a better part of my life.”

Ashton laughs and says, “What, you mean you weren’t always down to take random boys on romantic adventures?” And despite his teasing tone, there’s a sincere curiosity.

Calum knows that he could easily joke it off and they could move on, but he decides he doesn’t want that. He wants to share with Ashton what he was too scared to when they first talked about  _ A Little Life _ . He wants to be completely known by Ashton. 

“I was really shy as a kid,” He starts, staring up at where the moon is starting to take opacity. They’re still walking, but their pace has slowed considerably. “My parents used to try to pay me to talk to people. I was just so scared of everything, and I never wanted to confront anyone. That kind of changed when I met Michael, because he was just so loud and obnoxious and always trying to get me to do crazy things with him. He made me fall in love with the world. But,” He cuts himself off with a shaky breath and Ashton squeezes his hand, giving him the push to continue, “Kids were mean in school, obviously. But I was already so insecure and lost, and I got really depressed. To the point where I couldn’t get out of bed and I missed a lot of school. The whole world seemed so dreary and awful, a place I didn’t really want to live in. Michael was the one who pulled me out of it, though I can’t really remember how. Everything from that time is a little fuzzy. But I remember he helped me decide that I would never let anyone ruin the world for me again.”

He stops, and Ashton doesn’t say anything for a while. They continue to walk, and Calum focuses on the pressure of Ashton’s rough palm against his to keep him grounded. Nobody knows about that side of him except for the people who were there during it, which is really only his family and Michael. And it’s not the whole story, not all the details about him, partly because Calum can’t remember them all himself, but he thinks it’s enough for now. If Ashton wants to, he can get to know him completely over time.

“So,” Ashton says, drawing Calum out of his thoughts, “That’s why you’re so relentlessly positive? Even about the small things?”

Calum nods, “The world is beautiful, and I won’t let anyone try to tell me that it’s not.”

It wasn’t meant to be a dig at Ashton, but the way he stops walking and the pained expression on his face tells Calum that he may have taken it as one. Ashton sits down on the sand, pats the ground next to him for Calum to sit on. Calum sits in front of him instead, with his legs crossed and hands reaching to hold on to Ashton’s again. Ashton lets him.

They sit like that for a moment, until Ashton speaks, “My dad left when I was young.” His voice is quiet and Calum can tell he’s trying not to let his voice shake. He squeezes Ashton’s hands, giving back his courage from earlier. Ashton smiles a little before he picks back up, “My mom struggled with it a lot. Even when my step-dad came along, she struggled. And then she had more kids, and I loved them more than anything, I still do. But I practically raised them, I wanted to give them everything I didn’t have as a child. So I had to be strong for them, and I had to be strong for my mom, and I had to be strong for myself. It felt like everything rested on my shoulders and I couldn’t mess it up.”

He stops, but Calum can tell he’s not finished, so he waits. He waits and he stares at Ashton in the pale moonlight and he thinks, for the second time that day, that Ashton looks supremely divine and, for a second, he makes Calum believe in angels. With every word that Ashton utters, Calum feels something building in his chest that leaves him breathless and threatens to overtake him completely. It makes his heart race and his stomach twist in a sickening way, but he pushes it down. He has to, for Ashton, who is putting himself out there for Calum right now.

Ashton clears his throat a bit and starts again, “I didn’t have many examples of healthy relationships growing up, and I was busy taking care of everyone, so I just didn’t put too much thought into it. But, in high school, I had a boyfriend. We were pretty serious, I guess, I thought I loved him. He didn’t love me, though, which is very obvious when I look back now. I didn’t have anyone to help me see that, though. And then, we were at a party, and I left for like two minutes to go to the bathroom and I come back and he’s not there. So I ask around and people are telling me they saw him head into one of the rooms. I walk in and he’s with some other guy, who he had apparently been seeing for months.”

Calum’s heart has been cracking the entire time, but it completely shatters with what Ashton says next, “I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough.” 

At that, Calum lets out a sob and throws his arms around Ashton’s neck. Ashton grabs him around the waist and squeezes, and Calum can feel Ashton’s own tears running down his neck where Ashton’s face is buried, though he’s a much quieter crier than Calum is. His heart desperately aches for the boy in his arms, for the love and beauty he was deprived of and for the fact that it’s taken so long for someone to think Ashton was worth enough to put in the effort of getting to know him. It’s hard to imagine what Ashton’s feeling now and how he had gotten through life feeling so doubtful of his own abilities to be loved, and Calum has to tighten his hold before they both fall apart into each other. 

Calum pulls back after a minute and grabs Ashton’s damp cheeks with both hands. He looks determinedly into his red-rimmed eyes and says, with as much conviction as he can muster through his tear-thick voice, “You are. You are more than enough, Ashton Irwin. And that guy has to be the dumbest person on this earth to not see that, and he missed out on someone amazingingly intelligent and beautiful in every sense of the word. He’s an idiot and you deserve so much more than that. You deserve to love and be loved.”

Through his tears, Ashton smiles and says, “Yeah, I guess I’m starting to see the appeal of that.”

And if this were a movie, they would kiss. It’s their second chance. But they don’t, because it’s not a movie. This is real life and Ashton’s very fragile heart and trust, which he has now placed in Calum’s hold. But Calum can’t focus on that or he’ll panic; Michael will be there for that tomorrow. For tonight, Calum pulls Ashton in for another hug, and that’s where they stay until some late night security start shining their flashlights around the beach and both boys realize how late it is. They pick up their stuff and take the long drive back home, with the radio playing quietly in the background as they continue to hold hands over the gearshift.

They don’t kiss goodbye when Calum is dropped back off at his dorm; Calum just pulls him into one more hug and they say their goodnights and Calum heads up to his room. Michael is asleep when he arrives, which Calum’s relieved about. He needs tonight to feel and to think. 

Tomorrow is when Calum decides to freak out, demanding that Michael invite Luke over for a different perspective, a perspective closer to Ashton. 

They’re sitting in the middle of the floor with a pizza between them that Calum has been too panicked to touch. Michael’s been playing with his hair between bites, trying to help Calum quell the anxious lump forming in his throat. Luke’s been sitting in silence, looking slightly unsure and out of place; Calum wishes he could calm down enough to express how grateful he is that Luke’s there. 

“Alright,” Michael says after he finishes his first slice, “What are you freaking out about?” To anyone else, the way the question is phrased may sound harsh, but Calum can hear the concern behind it. Not to mention they do this sort of thing quite frequently.

“Ashton opened up to me last night, like a lot.” Calum says, frowning at the quiver in his voice.

“That’s good, isn’t it?” Luke asks. Michael looks as confused as he sounds, “It took a lot for him to open to me, so it must mean he really likes you.”

“That’s the problem!” Calum exclaims, gripping at his own hair. Michael scoots closer and places a comforting hand on his back, pulling Calum onto his shoulder. Luke moves closer too and, after a moment of hesitation, places his slim hands on Calum’s knees. 

“Why is it a problem, Cal?” Michael whispers, speaking into Calum’s hair, but still loud enough for Luke to hear.

“Because, he doesn’t trust just anyone, and it hasn’t even been that long. But he’s suddenly just handed me his heart and what if I fuck it up? What if I break him?”

“Calum,” Luke begins, “Ashton’s strong. You’re not going to break him, no matter what you do.”  
“Plus,” Michael adds in, “The fact that you’re so worried about it means that you really like him, right? So could you really do that’ll hurt him?”

Calum doesn’t have an answer to that. Michael’s right; Calum really likes Ashton and the thought of hurting Ashton makes him light-headed with nausea. He glances over at Luke, who just nods at what Michael said. 

“I think I love him.” Calum admits. It’s not the first time he’s told himself that, he repeated it like a mantra in his head the night before. Saying it out loud, however, makes it much more real, gives it weight, and scares Calum out of his mind.

Michael snorts at the admission, and even Luke looks amused when he asks, “Okay?”

“What if he doesn’t feel the same way?” And there goes Calum’s voice shaking again.

He feels Michael’s eyes roll, but he actually sees Luke’s. Calum’s about to rave about how serious he is when Luke says, “Calum, the other day we were walking to a donut shop after dinner and Ashton took a picture of the sunset to send to his mom.” Calum’s confusion translates to his face and Luke explains, “I’ve never seen him do anything like that, and he doesn’t really casually talk to his mom like that. When I asked him why, he said he thought the sky looked pretty and it reminded him of his mom. Ashton doesn’t think things like that, so what do you think changed?” 

Calum thinks. He doesn’t want to take all the credit for himself; if Ashton hadn’t allowed himself to enjoy it and be vulnerable then it wouldn’t have worked. It’s taken effort from both of them, and he expresses as much to Luke.

“True,” Luke says, “But, I’ve never seen him as happy as he is after he gets back from hanging out with you. Or even if he’s texting you. He gets the dumbest smile on his face and he’s so hard to talk to because his heads are just up in the clouds. It’d be gross if I didn’t care for him so much.”

Calum considers this for a moment, and asks, “Do you really think he likes me that way?”

“Oh my God.” Luke says, exasperated, and flops on his back on the floor. Michael laughs at his antics, and Calum finds himself giggling at it too. “If I have to hear about how kissable your lips are again, I think I’ll commit murder. Please just admit your fucking feelings to him.” Luke says, still staring at the ceiling. 

Calum laughs some more and reaches for his phone, texting Ashton to ask if they can meet up for lunch tomorrow. Now that he’s had Michael and Luke be his rationale, he feels relaxed and like he can do anything. He thinks of Ashton’s smile when he said he was starting to see the appeal of love and feels like there’s nothing that could possibly go wrong. 

Ashton just texts back a simple _ sure :), _ oblivious to how grand their lunch is going to be and Calum feels giddy with excitement. 

He thinks tomorrow may be the best day of his life.

(“You’re so fucking dramatic.” Michael tells him, but it’s affectionate and he pulls Calum into a hug right after he says it. Luke sits himself on top of them both.)

It actually turns out to be the worst day of his life, and Calum hates that the point where it all went wrong is so obvious. 

He wakes up feeling almost hysterically happy, and he goes through his classes in a daze. But, after Calum’s second class, he gets a text from Ashton asking if they can raincheck lunch because something came up that he just can’t miss. It’s very vague, and Calum’s pretty disappointed, but he understands that things happen that are out of your control sometimes, so he just agrees and goes on with his day. 

When his lunch period actually arrives, he decides that he still wants to go to the cafe that they had agreed on, the same one where they had discussed books and Ashton had agreed to let Calum show him love was possible all those weeks ago.

He walks in listening to music in his headphones, having created a playlist with the songs from Ashton’s mixtape. It’s all he’s been listening to since Ashton had given him the mix, and every song makes his insides turn to jelly despite the fact that he’s practically memorized every part about every single song by now. 

His happiness from the playlist promptly flies out the window when he steps in line and takes a look around the restaurant. There, sitting at their usual corner table, is a laughing Ashton. And normally, the sight would be enough to make Calum feel like he’s floating, but there’s someone else sitting across from Ashton. It’s a boy that Calum’s never seen before, and he’s smiling at Ashton, talking, and Ashton is blushing, laughing quietly before he leans closer, saying something back and gesturing between them where a book sits.

Calum can’t hear the music coming through his headphones anymore, can’t feel anything, can’t see anything anymore either. Everything has gone static and suddenly the only thing Calum can comprehend is his heart dropping to the pit of his stomach.

The cool air hits his face before he even realizes that he’s outside. When it settles in, he runs down the pavement back to his dorm, and he can feel the tears sliding down his cheeks but he’s pumping his arms too fast to pause and wipe them away, and he doesn’t stop until he’s crashed through the door to his room where Michael and Luke are. He’s dropping to his knees and heaving, feeling like his heart has just been ripped out of his chest and thrown back in his face.

Michael and Luke are off the bed in an instant, dropping to their knees beside him and, surprisingly, it’s Luke who pulls Calum into a hug, letting Calum’s head rest against his chest and carding his fingers through his hair.

“Cal, what happened? What’s wrong?” Michael asks, grabbing Calum’s hands with his own.

“I’m so stupid!” He cries out. Michael flinches back at the outburst and Calum gets it; his sadness is usually quiet, whispers and whimpers buried under the covers. But this, this sadness and anger and humiliation, is tearing at Calum’s throat and he has to get it out. “I’m such an idiot. Of course he doesn’t love me.”

Michael and Luke share a look and there’s understanding in it, but there’s also confusion. Luke asks, “What do you mean, Cal? What happened?”

Calum heaves a sob again at the memory, letting it pour out of him, “Ashton. He cancelled our lunch today, said something came up that he just  _ couldn’t  _ miss and then he was sitting at  _ our  _ table with someone else.” Luke tightens his arms around and Calum can see the surprised look he gives Michael. Michael, on the other hand, looks murderous, but he doesn’t say anything. Calum keeps going, couldn’t stop if he wanted to, “Of course it wouldn’t be me. I would open him up to the idea of love and he would just find someone else. Obviously he wouldn’t fall in love with me and I should’ve known that, but I wanted him to. I wanted him to love me so badly.” He’s whispering now, voice hoarse from practically shouting his feelings out. 

“I know you did, Cal.” Michael whispers back, taking him from Luke’s arms. Luke looks utterly lost, like what he’s hearing goes against everything he’s ever believed.

“Calum, I don’t think-”

He’s cut off by Michael biting out, “Luke.” Because Michael knows that logic or encouragement isn’t what Calum needs right now. He needs to let out his feelings, drain out the intensity of his heartache, because Calum’s sensitive and he feels everything too much, and it’s exhausting and rationality won’t get through to him.

And because logic isn’t an option at the moment, his heart decides that he cannot stand the sight of Luke right now. Luke, who probably knew this entire time that Ashton was only using him, probably laughing with Ashton at how obviously gone Calum was for him, and going along with the lie because he’s Ashton’s best friend. It’s absurd, Michael would surely be appalled at how lowly he’s thinking of both Luke and Ashton. But it’s what his brain is feeding him, so he quietly demands, “Please go, Luke.”

Michael stays quiet, he knows where Calum’s head is and Calum figures he’ll probably explain everything to Luke later. But Luke clearly has no idea what’s happening, looking stricken and like he’s the one who wants to cry now. Calum’s heart breaks more at the sight, so he closes his eyes and buries his face in Michael’s chest.

Distantly, he hears Luke’s footsteps, the sound of the door opening and closing, and then silence.

“Come on,” Michael whispers, “Let’s move to the bed, so you’re more comfortable.”

Calum nods, but makes no move to actually get up, which Michael really should have expected. He doesn’t complain, though, just picks Calum up and sits them on the bed, wrapping a blanket around Calum and holding him tightly. Calum’s not sure how long they stay like that, but it’s obviously long enough for Michael to fall asleep.

Calum lies awake through the night, though, staring at the ceiling and wondering if every date was just a game to Ashton, if everything he said was just a well-crafted lie to lure Calum in. Calum doesn’t want to believe it, but Michael was always the one who said that Calum let his expectations fly too high and that, one day, he would get burned.

Calum wonders how he reached the sun so quickly without realizing. He wonders where he went wrong. 

As much as Calum wants to, Michael doesn’t let him stay in bed or skip class. Deep down, Calum’s grateful, because he knows that if Michael let him, he would just sink down and end up back where he was when they were younger. 

Michael explains Calum’s emotion-induced mirage of distrust to Luke, and Luke explains to Calum that he would never want to hurt Calum in any way. Calum believes him, especially since Luke doesn’t try to sell him lies about Ashton’s feelings for him. They don’t talk about Ashton at all, actually. 

He ignores Ashton’s texts and calls, doesn’t listen to the voicemails he leaves, even grows annoyed that he won’t just give up already. Luke looks guilty and worried whenever he’s around and Calum’s phone lights up with Ashton’s name, but he still doesn’t say anything and Calum’s grateful. 

Calum still sulks at night, after class, but Michael doesn’t let him do it alone. He stays in and plays video games, if only to fill the space with noise and arms to cuddle in. Sometimes, Luke joins them. Calum enjoys watching them play video games because Luke is astronomically bad at some of them and, rather than being a patient teacher, Michael yells and swears and slams his controller into the desk. Based on Luke’s smile and silent laugh every time Michael fusses, Calum thinks he may be playing up how bad he is just to get a reaction.

Except there’s one night, about a week later, when Michael has to run out to buy last-minute materials for a project. He asks Calum about a hundred times if he’ll be alright by himself, and tells him a hundred more times that he won’t be gone long and that Calum can just call if he needs anything. He even volunteers Luke up to come over and sit with Calum.

Calum appreciates the concern, he does, but he also feels like he hasn’t had room to breathe in a while, so he tells Michael to go, reassuring him a hundred times that he’ll be okay, he’ll call if it gets bad.

When the door finally closes after Michael, Calum reaches for his headphones, turning his phone on full blast. He knows it’s damaging, but he immediately clicks on Ashton’s playlist and resists the world to hide himself under the covers. 

The sounds of bittersweet strings swell through his headphones and Calum checks to see what song is playing, already having to bite back a sob at what shows up on the screen.

_ Linger- The Cranberries _

Perfect.

Calum lets the tears out and allows himself to submerge in his sadness as Dolores O’Riordan sings from Calum’s own heart. He allows himself to feel betrayed and used as she sings about lies and deceptions and claims,  _ “But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.” _ And he allows the sob tear free from his throat as she calls out for the second time,  _ “You know I’m such a fool for you, you’ve got me wrapped around your finger. Do you have to let it linger?” _

He lets his cries drown out the rest of the playlist and curls in on himself, burying his head in his hands and tugging at his own hair. That’s how Michael finds him when he gets back from the store. He drops his bag as soon as he walks in the door and rushes over to Calum, pulling out his headphones and gathering Calum in his arms. Calum lets Michael’s soothing voice drown out his choked sobs, and he lets the exhaustion take over his body, and he sleeps fitfully through the night.

It’s between three weeks since Calum saw Ashton at the cafe, and he’s been doing a spectacular job of avoiding the other boy. He refuses to look at his phone, won’t even listen to most music anymore for fear that it may remind him of Ashton.

Michael’s been asking him every night what the best part of his day was to keep him thinking somewhat positively. He answers as best he can, and Michael seems pleased which, in turn, pleases Calum. They spend most nights together, and they’ve started inviting Luke over every Wednesday for pizza and video games, or even just a jam session since Luke has an incredible voice.

Despite his connection with Ashton, Calum finds it easy to separate the two boys, and he enjoys Luke’s company. Luke’s not awkward or tense around Calum, and he’s the perfect match for Michael, which makes Wednesday night all the more entertaining.

Calum suspects they’ve started dating, with how much more relaxed they seem around each other, though nobody’s said anything yet.

But, sometimes he still wakes up feeling a little empty and drained, and the couple with the guitar under the tree will remind him of certain hazel eyes. It’s harder to focus in class, but his teacher’s notice and give him extensions, so his grades remain steady. Some nights, no matter how much Michael insists he get up and do something, Calum refuses to leave his bed. Usually, Michael will sit with him and talk about his day, trying to make the stories as ridiculous as they can be for Calum’s benefit. It works, for the most part, and Calum thinks he’s doing fine.

Fine enough that he should be able to handle going out by himself because he really wants to pick up something light-hearted to read, right?

Wrong. So wrong.

The used bookstore on campus is the only one in walking distance, and, therefore, the only one available to Calum. Not to mention, it’s the cheapest option. He convinces Michael he’ll be fine on his own, he could use the alone time anyways. And he convinces himself that Ashton will not be at the store; even if he is, Calum will be able to handle it.

He spends the walk over repeating to himself that he’ll be fine no matter what, and the coast seems clear for the first minutes he’s in the store. Nobody else seems to be in the store, and he’s able to walk through the first few shelves in peace, taking in the comforting presence of thousands of stories all recorded for his enjoyment. He lets the thought of the words and the worlds envelop him like an embrace, and he feels content.

So content that he almost doesn’t notice the two figures standing in the aisle he’s about to walk in. But he’d be hard to miss the face that’s been plaguing his dreams for weeks now.

He stops dead in his tracks when he sees Ashton, and his stomach plummets when he sees the same boy from the cafe standing in Ashton’s personal space. The two boys haven’t noticed him yet, and Calum wishes he could make a silent escape before that changes.

As it is, his feet whole body feels frozen to the spot as he watches the boy place his hand on Ashton’s elbow. Ashton reddens at the action, and he won’t meet the boy's eyes. 

Calum feels like he’s going to throw up, or cry. Or both.

He realizes with a start that some sort of noise must have come out of his throat, because suddenly the other two boys are looking at him. Calum feels faint as he takes in Ashton’s wide eyes and parted mouth, like he’s trying to figure out what to say. He takes a step towards Calum, out of the other boys grasp, but Calum’s not going to stick around to hear whatever explanation he has.

He bolts out of the store, almost crashing into some people on the sidewalk, and doesn’t stop until he reaches his dorm. It feels too much like the day of cafe that Calum feels his chest tighten and his throat close. 

Michael’s on the phone when Calum collapses through the door, but one look at Calum’s state has him saying, “I’ve gotta go Luke, something’s wrong.” And he’s hanging up and throwing his phone on the bed, moving to catch Calum before he can fall to his knees again.

He carries Calum over to his bed, settling down with him and running the fingers of his one hand lightly across Calum’s face while the other stays wrapped tightly around the crying boy’s waist. Michael’s warmth eventually manages to dispel Calum’s shivering, and he’s able to focus on the feeling of Michael’s fingertips dusting across his face. After what feels like an hour, he’s able to ground himself.

Michael waits until Calum’s sobs have subsided, only stray tears falling from his eyes now, to ask, “What happened, Cal?”

“Ashton.” is all Calum mutters.

“Yeah, I figured.” Michael says. Calum can tell he’s trying to keep his voice comforting, but he still hears the furious undertones. “Did he say something to you? You know I’ll kick his ass if he did.”

Calum lets a weak exhale out through his nose at the mental image of Michael trying to pick a fight with anyone, let alone Ashton. “No,” Calum answers, swallowing back tears at the memory, “He was with that boy again, and the boy was, like, touching his arms or whatever and Ashton was all shy and blushing.” His voice sounds pitiful to his own ears.

Michael’s arms squeeze Calum tighter against him. They sit in silence for a while until Michael’s phone starts ringing, the screen lighting up with Luke’s name and a picture Michael took when he wasn’t looking. Luke’s sitting in their horrendous bean bag chair, a controller in his hands, staring intently at the computer screen. His curls are a mess and he’s wrapped up in one of Michael’s sweatshirts.

Calum whimpers at the picture, and Michael’s quick to decline the call. It’s not that Calum’s not happy for Michael, he’s over the moon; it’s just that he wants something like that with Ashton. He wants the constant comforting presence of him and the candid pictures while Ashton was focusing on something else. And maybe he wants Ashton’s camera roll to be filled with the same types of pictures of him. He wants Ashton’s heart to swell and speed up whenever Calum calls, and he wants Ashton to be part of their new Wednesday night traditions. But he’s not getting any of that because Ashton was right, happily ever after isn’t realistic. 

“I’m sorry, Cal.” Michael whispers.

Encompassed by his own heartbreak yet surrounded by the endless love of his best friend again, Calum begins to cry again. He cries for hours and Michael holds him through it all, ignoring the texts from Luke as Calum ignores his own phone buzzing. He desperately attempts to focus on the devotion pouring from Michael, well after the other boy has fallen asleep because he’s still holding Calum as tight as he can. It works for minutes at a time, but his emotions swing wildly throughout the whole night.

Despite how heavy Calum’s eyelids feel after it all, sleep never comes for him.

Calum realizes that he must look like a sight for sore eyes when they go to meet Luke for lunch in the quad the next day. The circles under his eyes are a deep purple, he’s pale and gaunt, and he can’t remember the last time he did anything with his hair.

So Luke’s look of concern as they walk up to their table in the quad is understandable, paired with the fact that Michael never answered his texts from last night. 

“Rough night?” He asks, pushing his carton of fries towards Calum.

“Yeah.” He croaks out, ignoring the fries. He sees Luke look over at Michael, not even caring that they’re probably telepathically pitying him. He’s barely paying attention until Luke abruptly stands from the table, looking angry and determined.

“Stay here.” He demands, “Even if your next class starts before I get back, you stay here.” He waits for Michael and Calum to both nod before he storms off. The boys don’t question it, Calum doesn’t have the energy and Michael’s too busy eating. Calum rests his forehead against the table and closes his eyes, listening to the sounds of the leaves and the other students conversing to put him at ease. 

He gets so lost in the sounds that he has no idea how long it’s been since Luke left, but he’s jostled out of it when something thuds down on the table in front of them. Calum lifts his head to see that it was only Luke’s hand, most likely to get their attention since Michael had started working on some coursework in the time he was gone.

Calum’s heart sinks as his eyes travel higher to find Ashton standing behind Luke, looking at Calum with fear and hope and pain. Calum thinks he has no right to any of those emotions. 

“What the fuck?” Michael spits out, standing up from the table. That leaves Calum as the only one sitting and he’s starting to feel surrounded, cornered. 

“He’s here to explain.” Luke says, sounding both persistent and desperate.

“Well maybe he doesn’t deserve the chance to fucking explain!” Michael’s raising his voice and people are looking and breathing becomes very hard for Calum.

“Michael, please.” Luke pleads.

Calum can’t focus on what Michael replies, only registers the sound of his yelling as if from under water, because he’s looking at Ashton again and it’s like the whole world falls apart under him. 

He jerks away from the table, stumbling over his own feet before taking off, needing to be anywhere but there. The sound of multiple voices calling out to him rings through the air but he ignores them, pushing his way through the crowd of students all outside. 

In his haste, he doesn’t see the books lying in the middle of his path and stumbles over them, about to knock his face into the concrete when a pair of hands catch him, one around his arm and the other around his middle. He steadies himself and turns to see that it’s Ashton who’s caught him. Recoiling from his grasp, he readies himself to run off again when Ashton grabs at his hands.

“Calum,” He pleads, and Calum can’t look at his face or he knows he’ll shatter completely, “Please, talk to me.”

“Why?” Calum spits out, surprised at how angry he sounds. He was expecting it to be broken and unsure, his heart reflected in his voice, “So you can let me be vulnerable again just to tear it all apart?”

“What?” Ashton asks. Calum’s almost convinced by how confused and hurt Ashton sounds. Almost. “Calum, what are you talking about? What did I do? Did I come on too strong? I didn’t mean to make you-”  
“I saw you!” Calum shouts, wrenching his hands free and stepping back to finally look into Ashton’s eyes, which are shining with unshed tears, “I saw you with that boy, the day we were supposed to meet for lunch, and then again at the bookstore. You know, if you had found somebody else, you could have told me instead of stringing me along and humiliating me.”

A tear falls from Ashton’s eye, and he sounds desperate when he stutters out, “No, that’s not- I didn’t...Calum, I didn’t find somebody else.”

“Then who was he?” Calum demands. He feels the exhaustion creeping into his bones, calling him to find somewhere dark and leave the world for a while.

“A guy from my lit class. We've been working on a presentation together that’s due next week and there wasn’t a lot of time to meet up.” Ashton explains, urgently, like he can’t get it out fast enough.

Calum guesses that makes sense, it explains the book that they had and the fact that they were even at the store, but he can’t help but be skeptical. There are still so many things that don’t make sense to him, the most important being, “Why didn’t you just say that in your text?” Because if it was something as innocent as a project, Ashton could have just told him instead of sending a vague text that felt like a blow-off.

“I don’t know, I thought I did. But he wouldn’t stop calling me and saying we needed to meet up as soon as possible because he had things to do that day. And I really wanted to blow him off for you but he kept insisting and demanding we meet up. I was frazzled, I guess.”

He’s making more and more sense, and Calum’s finding it harder and harder to stay upset at him but he has to be careful with his heart. He can’t let his hopes break him again. “You were at our cafe. And you were blushing and smiling and...you just seemed open around him, I guess.”

Ashton huffs out a laugh, but there’s no humor in it. “Yeah, he’s kind of a creep. I was trying to be friendly until he started coming on to me. I just didn’t want to seem so stuck-up and serious, like I usually am when working, for you. Because you try to give everyone a chance and you make me see everything in a better light.” Ashton smiles slightly, more genuine this time, but it disappears when he says, “He made me really uncomfortable, though. He kept making advances and we had to do this project together. Plus, he wouldn’t really take no for an answer because I didn’t know what to label us as, and I didn’t want to label us anyways without asking you first.”

Calum searches Ashton’s face, unsure of what to say and even more unsure of what he’s looking for. His throat is tight with emotion and he wants so badly to believe Ashton. So he lays it all out, watching Ashton’s reaction, “I was going to tell you something that day. I was going to tell you that I thought I was falling in love with you, because it seemed like you were falling in love with me, too.”

And Ashton looks pained, heartbroken, exactly how Calum’s felt this entire week, like his heart has been trampled over a thousand times. But he just whispers out a broken, “Thought? Past tense?’

“I don’t know.” Calum says, because it wasn’t an admission, but there was a genuine, crushing despair in Ashton’s voice. Besides, Calum knows very well it’s not past tense, but he can’t risk admitting that if it’ll only make him look like a fool. 

“Let me show you.” Ashton says.

“What?” Calum asks

“Let me show you that you were right, you were right about my feelings, and you were right about me. Let me convince you that we can keep falling in love. Please.” Ashton looks like he’s about to get down on his knees if he has to, and Calum realizes that this is his admission, his confirmation that Ashton felt the same. And now he’s asking for the same chance he gave Calum, and Calum’s a sucker for second chances.

But he’s exhausted, and he can’t handle more feelings right now, so he says, “Not today. Next weekend. I need to rest.”

Ashton nods, grabbing one of Calum’s hands and bringing it up to his mouth to kiss the back of it; Calum thinks he could cry again. Of course Ashton’s an old romantic like that. “I’ll text you. Let me plan it, you don’t need to worry about anything.” Ashton says.

Calum just nods and lets his hand drop from Ashton’s grip. He manages the weakest of smiles, but it seems to be enough as Ashton positively beams at him, and walks back towards his room. He needs to recover before the weekend.

Next weekend arrives quickly and Calum’s feeling the same nerves he felt on the night of their first date but times ten. He’s been dressed and giving himself a mental pep talk, waiting for Ashton’s knock on the door..

When it comes, he flings it open and tries to calm his breathing before Ashton can sense his panic. Rather than verbally greet him, Ashton just smiles and holds out his hand for Calum to take. Calum breathes out a laugh, recognizing the move that started this entire thing.

But before he can take it, Michael’s stepping up to the door and clearing his throat. “If he comes home crying again because of you, I swear to God I’ll kick your ass.” His face is stoic, and Calum realizes that Michael can be quite intimidating and convincing if he’s serious. His eyes ache with tears for a fleeting moment.

Ashton looks down in shame, nodding his head. 

“I’ll be careful, Mike.” Calum whispers, hugs his best friend quickly and then takes Ashton’s hand. As they walk, Ashton points things out along the street to him, giving him interesting facts on some of the buildings, or telling him about the cutest family he saw buying ice cream from that shop on the corner. The familiar pattern of Ashton’s voice soothes him, much like it has since they met.

Calum recognizes the used bookstore, and it goes so much like their first encounter that Calum’s left feeling nostalgic. Ashton opens the door for him, leads him directly to a shelf like he knows what he’s looking for. This time, though, he quickly clutches the book to his chest, obscuring the title from view. He buys it, much to Calum’s protests, then takes his hand again and leads Calum to their cafe and to their table in the corner.

It’s only once they’ve sat down that Calum asks, “Am I going to hate this one, too?” 

It’s a joke, really, he laughs as he says it. But Ashton looks nervous when he mutters, “I hope not.” He places the bag in the middle of the table, motioning for Calum to reach in and take out the contents. When he does, he is met with a worn-down copy of  _ Pride and Prejudice _ .

“I’ve read this.” Calum says, looking to Ashton for an explanation because he has to have known; obviously Calum’s read one of the most popular love stories in existence.

“I figured.” Ashton says, “But I want you to read it again, and I noticed it wasn’t on any of the shelves in your room.”

“Okay,” Calum agrees, strategically not thinking about how Ashton knows what’s on his bookshelf, “But why do you want me to read it again?”

Ashton takes a deep breath in, hesitating only slightly before he says, “Mr. Darcy is an asshole with an extreme dislike for the world.” Calum barks out a surprised laugh at Ashton’s crude explanation, but the older boy isn’t finished, “But he loves Elizabeth. And she loves him. And he completely cocks it up so many times, insulting Elizabeth and breaking her heart because he’s too cynical and too far in his own head. But then, he writes her a letter, revealing himself completely to her which isn’t easy for him. She forgives him, and they get their happily ever after.”

“You sure know a lot about this book.” Calum teases.

“It’s my favorite romance. One of my favorite books, actually” Ashton says. 

Calum lights up at that; he knew there had to be one romance out there that swayed Ashton’s heart, something that ruined his cool demeanor.. But, “I’m still confused as to why I have to reread it.”

“Because I’m not eloquent enough to write you my own letter asking for your forgiveness. I figured Darcy does it well enough.” Despite the bravado in his voice, Ashton looks nervous as he says it.

There’s no reason to, as Calum’s heart melts at the explanation and he can’t stop himself from leaning across the table and capturing Ashton’s lips with his own. It’s soft, and Calum muses that Ashton’s lips remind him of rose petals. Calum’s hands reach up to hold Ashton’s face, and Ashton’s own hands move to encircle Calum’s wrists. His heart feels close to bursting and he doesn’t think he’s ever been so happy in his life. Every shred of doubt and heartbreak melts away, and Calum doesn’t realize he’s crying tears of joy until Ashton’s pulling back and wiping at his cheeks. Their foreheads are resting against each other and they’re both smiling like lovesick fools, though Calum supposes that’s what they are.

“So,” Calum asks, “is this you admitting that you believe in love?”

Ashton hums, as if he has to think about it, and responds, “I don’t know, but I definitely believe in us and that seems like the same thing to me.”

Calum laughs. He has to, because it sounds like it comes directly from the worst romance he’s ever read but it makes the butterflies in his stomach flutter back to life and a few more tears manage to escape his eyes.

“Was that too cheesy?” Ashton asks, though he’s grinning as he asks it, already knowing the answer.

Calum kisses Ashton again, nods when he pulls back, but he responds, “It was perfect.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first 5sos fic in like five years, it's also the longest thing i've ever written so please be kind with it. constructive criticism is welcome though :))  
> follow me on tumblr if you would like @escapesos  
> i thrive off validation so please leave comments and kudos or whatever  
> (also shoutout to my friend for encouraging me along the way and also clumsyclifford on tumblr for being excited about this lmao)


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